Infornography: Unnecessary Stuff

Funny how I titled this entry "Unnecessary Stuff" yet took some time to find a cute picture to give the reader an overview of what this blog entry contains.

Still cloudy outside the reason why I'm stuck in my room and things start running inside my head. I know it's not so me to write about something emotional like this, but I have my sleepless nights too you know? It's 2:30 in the morning here as I wrote this with whatever that goes inside my head while listening to some post-rock music. Music really affects the mood you are in I believe so, and as of this moment, this very moment, while my fingers dance across the keyboard forming these inert words of unexplored emotion, I can't help but shed tears. I shed tears about something I am in denial of. Something that I have always been in denial.

I said I have never experienced, felt for that matter but I did, I have a couple times actually. I was just too afraid of rejection. That if I ever confessed to someone of how I truly feel, I will constantly be rejected and before that happens, I bury everything deep down and it's so deep, no one can ever reach it not even myself. I guess I have repeatedly done this over and over that I've gotten used to it to the point of being accused of insensitivity which is quite untrue. I am actually "very sensitive." I feel what you feel just by looking at you. I can sense what you're dealing with just by talking to you. I can actually cry over without any logical reason staring at the sun but most of the time the moon does that to me. This might be the reason why I love ambient and post-rock music. I love art. I love walking around getting into unfamiliar places. I love watching people thinking of what their stories are about. I appreciate little stuff but not show them. I have been hard on myself for years and I don't know how to escape it or if I ever will. This problem that I had, of continuously being afraid, made three of the precious people in my life disappointed and I regret all the chances that have presented themselves in front of me which have been badly ignored. All the unexplored possibilities that were cut short because I just don't have the guts and I don't know where to buy, get some guts or if I can do it myself.