Yesterday's Sentiments

This has been an exhausting day. I spent a night with my former housemates yesterday because of a close friend’s plea given that this might be our last night together as I already left the office and she already decided to follow me and leave as well. I got home just this morning with few sleep after concluding my exit clearance with the company. I was talking with my former housemates the night before. A lot has happened in those few weeks I’m gone. Although it’s so much better not talk about sensitive topic like this over the net, I just can’t help it. I would just like for us to part ways without chip on our shoulders because I’d never hold grudge to anyone without confronting that person and telling him how I feel before saying goodbye. Though literally, I’m not saying that we’ll never see each other again, the point is… things will never be the way it was when we’re together after we part ways and that is so obvious. We can no longer spent our days casually and have time to reconcile if awful things happen along the way. A text message isn’t enough for reconciliation. Words are innert, they’re dead in the first place so you wouldn’t really understand how a person feel just by reading some text message on your cellphone. Personal communication is still the best way to convey/understand one’s emotions and thoughts. I am also not in the position to arbitrate the persons involved because I do not know the exact scenario how things went upsetting. I want to weigh the sides of each persons involved before I could openly expose my views and opinion. As of now, I’ll be silent.

Another thing that keeps on bothering me for quite sometime now is how some of us (yes including me and I’m feeling guilty about it) make fun of other people’s deficiencies may it be physically or mentally. I just find it so uncivilized and inhumane of us to drastically laugh at things like these. I am not claiming myself to be clean as slate for not doing this sort of thing (God… if someone could only hear my brain outloud I might have already been assassinated) but what I am trying to state is we can avoid even if it is so hard for us to, we can find much more sensical topics to talk about over our social activities. I just remembered, I was not raised by my parents to see the faults of my surroundings and I believe so, I also chose not to. I even wanted to immerse myself to different kinds of personalities from different people. I find it challenging to test myself if I can stand being opinionless of someone. Additionally, I even thought of abandoning my dreams to become a volunteer and aid those people who lacks everything. It’s hurting most of the time hearing just the laughs, even my laugh because I knew the feeling of being terrorized. I would muchly prefer if it’s behind my back but what I experienced way way in the past, they torture me right exactly to my face. I would also prefer if the pain is a result of someone hitting my head with a baseball bat but the pain is inside lurking and had not been healed. However, I do not regret everything I have done and experienced because it formed the person I wanted to become now. Open minded, kind and brilliant. Not that I’m bragging about it, but I don’t brag I show them and they usually get surprised because all the time I was just there, opinionless and quiet. But I am truly observing, always observing until having this mental strain. I don’t know if I am just over analyzing or just too sensitive or worse insensitive but I do find it barbaric and ridiculous if somebody makes fun of someone if he, himself lacks everything in the world, lacks soul and I can’t do anything about it because I am also afraid of getting backfired although I know if anyone read everything I have written here eventually I’ll become a topic of their absurdity…