Manic

I haven't been able to write about random things going inside my head mostly because I was too busy, or maybe I just lack the motivation to even bother articulately describing my day. I know, I shouldn't be feeling this right now especially when we just had an advance birthday celebration for my mom, but I couldn't help it. It's not me, it's something inside which makes me feel this scornfully, ungrateful, ugly woman. I hate it but at the same time I try to understand everything so that I could control my emotions and lock them inside me until everything subsides. But then afterwards, I would feel empty. So empty that all I could think of is a gun in my mouth imagining if I had the courage to pull the trigger. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not a suicidal type. Most of the time, I don't really understand why that particular picture. I guess that was just something I already got used to imagining every time I feel shitty. But then after, I always seriously assess myself and conclude I'd never ever be able to do something like that and that's a great relief.

I don't know when it started but I was able to notice this weird thing about myself when I was in high school. It must have been something I experienced from childhood, although I can't remember most of it. I know I was a little different when I'm with a group of people. I'm not so sure but I know I am friendly, quite friendly I believe so. I've had friends and playmates, but I remember my playmates were somehow similar to me. Timid, odd, with strange habits. Although along the friendliness for the most part, there's this awkwardness I'm feeling all the time. Especially to people who I know from the start, doesn't like me at all. I don't know why they wouldn't, but I have this vague feeling and most of the time I'm always right about someone. I hate it that I unconsciously pretend around people so that they could like me. I just want to remove that, but I would always end up someone who is unlikeable so I try not to bother and hide myself away to avoid any more confusion. It hurts me sometimes, but I have always been living like this so I already got used to everything now. I just needed to get it out sometimes...